WOW. The past couple of months have been such a whirlwind that I kept meaning to update this thing, but never could find the correct words to articulate my thoughts. I can truly say, however, I am at a pivotal point of happiness, not to say there has not been a few stumbling blocks along the way. One of the greatest quotes my mom has constantly reminded me is, "Hanh phuc la trong tay minh tu phai nam lay." (I may have mixed up a few words, but translation: Happiness is something you have to grasp with your own hands.) I honestly never understood the magnitude of these words, until recently.
I have always been one of those "shiny, happy" people, the kind that is always smiling regardless of the circumstances and you have to wonder if anything EVER goes wrong in their life. I remember someone actually coming up to me once, "Are you seriously always this happy? Because I know that the people that seem the happiest, are just covering up something." I replied, "No, I really am. I'm not saying my life is perfect, but I do realize I am blessed, and that's enough." I meant every word. I hate that we live in this world where people are so passive. They wait and mope with their struggles, as if happiness will fall into their laps. In their love lives, "I can't find the right guy, I just have to wait, I know he's out there" as if Prince Charming will magically show up at their doorstep. The opposite happen--too afraid that something better won't come along, so we settle and compromise.
What I have come to learn over the past couple of months is that only you can determine the amount of happiness in your life. Up until a month ago, I thought I was so sure of myself, but in truth, I, too, am guilty of "lackadaisical living." I did the things asked of me, expected me of me, because it was easier than deciding for myself what I want. In a sense, I was the same girl I was 5 years ago, in "happiness" purgatory.
The thing is, however, I am slowly grabbing the reins of life. I am not waiting for my dreams to fall into my lap, for a boy to wake up and finally see me. I just don't want to wait anymore.
I know a lot of people doubt me. Sometimes, in fleeting moments, I doubt myself as well. I am so blessed, however, to receive this calling, to feel so strongly that I was meant to do something, that nothing can cause my passion to waver. I think a lot of people don't get that. They fall into a rut, in a career, because it's comfortable, because they're "good" at it. I realize I am so lucky because although it's incredibly difficult now, I know every day I can wake up knowing that "this is enough." I am doing what I am passionate about, I'm making a difference, and that's it.
And maybe it's not unreasonable to "wait" for Prince Charming, but there are a batch of frogs to kiss to find him, and I think that's okay. I used to perceive the whole "movie romance" as ridiculous. I was never swept away by the Notebook, or A Walk To Remember. I reasoned that I was too logical for this sappiness, that love is not constant rainbows and sunshine--fireworks will not explode from the sky during your first kiss. But why not? Why should you not expect these astronomically great things to occur? I've seen too many girls fall into a state of complacency, knowing well they deserve better, but never allowing themselves to experience anything else because they fear "nothing better will come along." They spend months and years on someone, hoping that person will one day wake up and smell the flowers, but for the present, just not being alone is enough. I don't want that. I don't want someone to become my security blanket, nor to be someone else's. Others' love for you begins with self-love, and I don't need someone to validate me.
I have learned that there is a reason movies end when the boy and girl get together because relationships take work and effort, but they're not that complicated. I have always believed that a break down occurs when one person for whatever stops believing, stops fighting for it, and still hold that statement to be valid. I don't want to become jaded, however, like others around me. One person failing to believe and fight, doesn't set a precedence for those to come. You walk away with a few battle scars, but the importance is maintaining your self-respect and realizing better things are to come. So the next time, you put just as much as yourself into it as you did the time before, and continue loving fearlessly. We put ourselves out there, we may get hurt, but that's better than being a coward and never trying at all.
So I am happy. I really am. I used to be this person that stressed so much on the outcome, that I forgot life is this amazing adventure of self discovery. There's so much beauty in it that even when the result is not what I anticipated, I know the road there is enough. We just need to realize what "enough" is. I'm confident that one day, I will be enough--enough to get into graduate school, enough to complete my dreams, enough for someone. It may take time, but good things always take time.
ps: Here is an eargasm for you.
Find more artists like
STEVE MOAKLER (ON TOUR NOW) at
Myspace Music
pss: I originally began this blog because I wanted a semi-memoir of awkward accounts since y'know, I always find myself in one, but I realize that the "adolescent wisdom" portion of the blog is one-upping the awkwardness aspect lately. The next one will be a good one, I promise. I know you're at the edge of your seats for "A Series of Uncomfortable Events" (Yes, this is definitely a prospective title for my future auto-biography, so accurate.)
