So I had the pleasure of completing Mindy Kaling's book, Is everyone hanging out without me, this past weekend (thanks, Manda-Panda!). Actually, that's a bit of a stretch--more of an extended sitting with intermittent naps. Sleep is my only vice. Anyway, within two pages, I was dying of laughter. Now I am torn between whether I want to be her best friend, date her, or just actually, be her. That sounded a lot creepier than I intended it to be, but I don't care, she's just really cool, guys. I don't know if you're aware, but being cool and in Hollywood is somewhat of a rare gem nowadays, so I'm just giving credit where it is due. But now that I'm done with my semi-fan girl rant, I was inspired by her book, particularly the segment outlining aspects of her close friendships.
I enjoyed it a lot because I feel as if there are a lot of self-help books on romance--how to: embrace the single you, catch the object of your desire's attention, lose a stage 50 clinger, but not many illuminate the elusive, quintessential components of a real bff-ship. And as much as I am perpetually flailing in cycles of failed two-month relationships, I have to say the friendships that I have developed have always been some-what long-lasting and consistent.
I suppose this will be dedicated to my best friends, whom do not necessarily need any reinforcement of their amazingness as they are the most confident, egotistical individuals I have ever had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting.
I hope that this entry also serves to enlighten the numerous female friends I have encountered that are apparently unaware of the difference between a CLOSE FRIEND and a BEST FRIEND.
First, I must preface by saying that I have a very intense group of friends. And by intense I mean, if it were possible to y'know, transfuse our blood together and not risk dying, I am sure they would totally suggest it so that we can LITERALLY and FIGURATIVELY be blood sisters:
Rules of BFFship.
- Anything less than $50 is pocket change. Actually, it might even be more than that. The words, "Hey, you owe me ... (insert amount)" are rarely ever uttered. Up until recently (yknow, with my post-grad unemployment and scrub-like existence), I enjoyed paying for friends because my best friends and brother have taught me something valuable society fails to understand: Money is just money, and you have entire lifetime to make it. The thing about being in a perpetual state of poverty is that it's actually made me more giving. Weird and kind of illogical, I know, but it's kind of like, "Well, since I'm already poor ... I guess another few dollars is whatever." I don't think it's even a sense of innate goodness, but really a matter of being surrounded by incredibly giving individuals. Kindness & selflessness is contagious, and that's just what a best friend should be.
- There is no such thing as TMI. I can't even count the number of times my best friends over share. I sometimes question if their level of comfort around me is necessarily a good thing. But alas, I think to some extent, you can't help but over share with your best friend(s) because they're essentially an extended version of yourself, so I mean why would they NOT want to know every single detail of your life? Knowing more about ME actually helps YOU become more SELF-AWARE since we are essentially the same person, right?
- Honesty is the BEST policy, because it's the ONLY policy. A best friend knows you may be in a fragile or sensitive state, but really, they have to respond to the higher calling to ensure things are kept real at all times. They will not hesitate to say, "Hey, I know you think you found your missing puzzle piece, but he totally sucks" or "Are you aware that your bf doesn't even speak English?" (No, seriously ... it has been said before). Best friends don't really believe in this concept of sugar coating.
- Stalking is caring. A best friend is absolutely shameless when it comes to maintaining a strong line of communication. So you didn't pick up their first 5 calls and 3 texts, don't worry, they'll call back in 5 minutes. HOW ELSE ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO KNOW WHAT INSIGNIFICANT THINGS ARE HAPPENING IN EACHOTHER'S LIVES?!
- Meaningless conversations/hangouts are essential. I think TV often paints this portrait of a solid friendship as y'know, the shoulder you cry on when your world falls apart or whatever, and I guess that's true ... if you're that type of girl. But the truth is, your average day does not generally consist of life-altering, emotional events, but rather mundane activities. A best friend can make even the most insipid activity like watching the Discovery Channel an experience comparable to going to the zoo, in person. The majority of your conversations will not consist of discussing existentialism or anything of that nature. In fact, most of the time, you hang up wondering what your entire conversation was even about, but it doesn't matter, because at the end of the day, you just want to surround yourself with individuals who understand your weirdness and make you laugh.
- Be prepared to catch a grenade. This is probably one of the ultimate deal makers or breakers in a bff-ship--going out to the bars. A best friend will take one for the team as wingwoman and flirt/talk to the grenade to facilitate her friend's efforts of "getting it in." If that friend is in fact, a best friend, however, she will acknowledge her friend's sacrificial ways, and find a way to lose said, grenade because no hook up is worth putting your friend to the slaughter house. It's like doing "the reach" on a date, it's the gesture that counts. With that said, a best friend will not ditch you, and will go out of their way to be "that bitch" even if it means running up to the guy, shouting, "Look at her! And look at you! Did you really think she'd be interested?" and pull you away. But just before you can feel good about yourself, she'll turn to you and say, "I don't really think you're like out of his league, I just want to go to another bar."
- If you have to say you're BFFs, you're probably not BFFs. Listen, the difference between a BFF-ship and a BF is that there is no grand declaration or asking, "Hey, do you want to be my best friend?" It's a silent mutual understanding. Notice the MUTUAL, I can't stress how awkward it is when a party jumps the gun and makes these declarations only to find out later that the other girl was just "being nice." Just as you never want to be that stage 10 clingy girl, you also don't want to be that friend.
- Your boyfriend will always know about "the other woman" (...i.e. your best friend). "It's nice to finally meet you, I've heard a lot about you" is kind of an understatement in my group of friends. When they say, "a lot" I think they actually mean, "I know everything about you." I think the Spice Girls said it best, "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends." So true.
- A best friend also never allows their significant other to trash talk her best friend no matter how neurotic and ridiculously bitchy she is being that day. Only you are entitled to such rights. If he thinks you're amazing, then she is amazing, as well ... by association.
- Keeping no records of "rights." A best friend does not keep tabs on favors because really, she doesn't need to. Your friend already knows all that you do for her that is beyond the call of duty and more. If not, why would you be best friends?
I guess my point in all of this is that a solid group of friends is a rare occurrence nowadays. I mean, ones that would probably give you a kidney if need be, and just say, "Don't worry, I have an extra." So if you're fortunate as I have been, when you find one, you should probably smother them to death with love especially once a BFF-ship has been established. At that point, being a stage 50 clinger is totally socially acceptable and welcomed.
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